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In the Dock – Betrayed by Me

November 10, 2010

I recently wrote as a comment on another blog

“I am sensitive to others’ comments, particularly critical ones – and especially those I think I either didn’t deserve or that had been written/spoken in haste when the speaker was just plain wrong and so angry that trying to continue the conversation and unravel it all was not worth the personal hassle. But lately – and at my age, very late – I am starting to realise that it is Me who is so judgemental of me. I tried an on-line “self-compassion” quiz and came out way on the wing. Maybe I don’t like some comments because they somehow feed into what Me is already saying to me?”

Then into my consciousness popped a memory. I recalled my resistance to team sports at school,, or even in the local darts’ team later! I was good at both physical and mental pursuits and games (although that was more likely my circle than any absolute measure) and when people asked me why I had dropped out of something in which I had begun to make a mark, I used to come back with something like “I can’t stand all the whingeing when we are losing, or the post-mortem afterwards. I know when I’ve got it wrong or made a mistake and I feel bad enough anyway, without others telling me the obvious”.
Forty years later, I look back at how I have been so supportive to others, professionally, picking colleagues and subordinates up when things had gone wrong; making huge efforts to get service users back on the road and pushing myself to walk another mile. But I agonised over my mistakes; I brushed off supportive comments or even hugs because the person was “just saying that to make me feel better”. Where does this lead? Or can I find some other clues? I am in the process of self-reflection on this, so will stop – mainly because I don’t want to waste another blog in which I flagellate myself in public for going up the wrong path! More Later, I hope.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 16, 2010 9:41 am

    They say, “Charity begins at home”, and they also say, “It’s never too late.” Put the two together and begin being nice to yourself:)

    The biggest virtue of humanity isn’t pity, for yourself or for anyone else; it is courage – and sometimes you need all your courage (and about forty years of time) to speak out against the doctrine of humility – but because you’ve spoken already, you have tons of courage:)

    Looking forward to more of your thought-provoking posts.

    Warm Regards,

  2. November 20, 2010 3:56 pm

    Thank you for that Shafali. Being nice to oneself is not easy to separate from being selfish! But I’m trying ….

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